Making the Decision to Explant

This wasn’t an easy decision at all.

It took me almost two decades just to decide to go back under the knife to correct a problem that had been plaguing me since I got them. Two decades just to decide to get them smaller despite the fact that I hated how big they were from the day I got them. It was hard to justify the cost of surgery without the necessity. Over the years, I prayed for them to rupture when I had mammograms so that I had an excuse—so I could blame the need on something else other than my vanity.

Now, I have managed to connect the long lines of dots between my implants and the decline of my health but it was still hard to just say, “I’m explanting.”

It took me a week of internally processing all the pros and cons, and a couple more days talking things through with my boyfriend before I made the ultimate decision.

Listen, if I didn’t say that my vanity played a huge part in this decision, I would be lying. Let’s face it, vanity got me into this mess. And, now, it was keeping me from immediately getting out of this mess. My boyfriend is supportive, but I fear him seeing me afterwards. I’ve seen the pictures of women after explant. It’s hard enough for me to picture me that way, how would he truly feel when he came face-to-face with my outcome? Plus, I’m a single mom in my 40s. If we ever breakup, what would my dating life look like? It took me forever to feel even somewhat comfortable with my breasts after the first surgery, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend the next half of my life trying to love myself again.

But that’s just it, I still have half my life left. Did I want to spend it on the couch curled up in pain, holding my right eye shut from a migraine while I tried to pretend I was still participating in life?

The answer was no. I want to be able to spend time doing things with my daughter, with my boyfriend, and be able to visit with my family more often. More importantly, actually enjoy doing things instead of struggling through so it looked like I was still participating in life.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still scared…still nervous that taking the implants out will not make me feel better. That not only will I still feel just the same as before, that I will have added more scars to my breasts.

But my guts says I will feel better. As boyfriend likes to remind me, at the very least a heavy load will be lifted from my chest. I’ll be able to get some relief from my neck and shoulder pain, and most likely will be able to take a deep breath again.

I hold on to that.